How To Be A Girl: College Edition

imageLouise Nealon, Contributor

To be a girl in college, you must survive on a diet of beer and pizza. Just don’t let yourself go.

Have a great figure. Exercise, but don’t spend all of your time in the gym.

Don’t wear make-up or fake tan, and find out how that goes for you. Then wear make-up and fake tan.

Let your image take up so much of your consciousness that it begins to affect your IQ, but don’t forget that you also have to be intelligent.

Achieve good results. You’re allowed to get the highest in your class, just don’t study too much for it.

Be fun, but not annoying. Don’t scream when you’re excited. Be happy, but not too happy.

Actually, don’t have any feelings. Nobody is attracted to crazy psycho bitches.

Be independent, but don’t be so independent that you don’t need a guy to take care of you.

Don’t aim to be cute. You want to be hot.

Curse like a sailor, but don’t curse too much. That shit’s not attractive.

Be one of the guys, but not so much that they forget that you’re a girl.

Don’t have a friend zone. You don’t want to be a tease.

Dress like a prostitute on nights out, but don’t act like one.

Let a guy buy you a drink, but also let him know that this doesn’t mean you want to sleep with him.

Don’t be rude about it though. Only bitches are rude.

Don’t wear heels on a night out and find out how that goes for you.

Then wear the highest pair of heels you own.

Drink – a lot. Get drunk, but not too drunk.

Make sure you’re able to walk in your heels at the end of a night without slipping and sliding all over the place like Bambi.

There’s a reason why Bambi isn’t a sex symbol.

Don’t kiss a guy after eating garlic cheese chips.

Put out on the first encounter, but don’t be a slut either.

Leave directly after having sex.

Do not stay for cuddles. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stay the night because if he sees you the next morning, you will immediately turn into a guilty reminder of how drunk he was.

Never kiss guys you are attracted to because they are all assholes, but don’t settle for the nice guys either, because you will end up breaking their hearts.

In other words, be lonely.

Kiss other girls if you want. You’re allowed to be a lesbian, I think.

Be funny, but don’t be so funny that you intimidate men.

Get rid of any unwanted hair.

Hate your vagina.

And for God’s sake, don’t be a feminist.

Nobody likes them.

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